Christmas learnings 2011…


Santa.... why do I only get 3 presents a year now?

1. Children get far more for Christmas than I ever remember getting… jealous

2. I love kids but am certainly not ready for them because they curtail the drinking, bring the rowdy behaviour to an end at bedtime so as to not wake them and finally wake up crazy early

Lil bro doing a bit of planking

3. Christmas TV is on the whole shite, only Ab Fab raised a smile and even then Jane Horrocks looked about 90 as Bubbles and the woman who played Baron the ex-con hardnut gave a thoroughly unconvincing London street accent. I was also forced to sit through Michael McIntyre, having needles shot into my scrotum from five paces would have been preferable. This was a great opportunity for a Frozen Planet special I think

4. No matter how much alcohol you drink it is tough to get any further than tipsy

5. I can eat twice my weight on Christmas day without any guilt or trouble

6. Baked camembert should only be allowed at Christmas as it is the best thing in the world ever

7. My mum will buy me the exact same fragrance every year, I like Vera Wang but now have enough at home to fill a dwarf’s swimming pool

8. Executing successful small talk with extended family requires patience, understanding, additional facial muscles to put on smiles and a whole load of wine

9. Listening to Christmas music should be allowed for one hour before we then actually put on music we like, such as old soul, bit of funk (Daft or otherwise), some Stones (Rolling or Roses), maybe a little Phil Collins, random 80’s hits, some new music and of course So Solid Crew…. Tut tut tut 21 seconds

10. It is lovely fun seeing your family, especially when there are little people who still believe in the real meaning of Christmas, which is of course Santa and not the religious bollocks. But… essentially there is a reason it is once a year and for the rest of the time you are with your friends

StandardFact is heading toThailandfor 2 weeks to sleep, swim, be massaged, go to full moon parties and tan. Got to pack so can not be bothered to put loads of hyperlinks in. Enjoy Daft Punk tho…..


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